Angel Baby

Today would have been Sarah’s 6th birthday. 

I don’t feel overwhelmed with sadness today like I did the last five birthdays.  My grandma, who lost a baby in a similar way 50 years ago, told me every year would get easier.  Grandma was right but now I feel guilty for my lack of tears. 

But as I think about all the blessings in my life that have been showered on me in the last six years I do feel tears.  My precious baby girl taught me so much about love, perspective, and compassion.  If Sarah would have been born healthy, I am not sure we would have Bubba or Dude. 

 It has been SIX years since I held Sarah.  Six years since she made her mark on my heart.  Six years…

This birthday I am filled with questions. 

How am I supposed to feel?  I don’t know.
Is it wrong that I am rejoicing for my blessings and not crying for my loss?  I don’t think so… I hope that I have a better perspective of all of the great things in my life.
Do I feel a void without my daughter, my first child?  There is something there that aches for her but I don’t think I feel anything less.  This is the first year that I don’t feel like I failed her because I carried a baby to term and didn’t know she wasn’t a healthy baby.
How will I feel if I ever get pregnant with a daughter?  Actually, I am scared to have another daughter.  I am afraid that I will be “replacing” Sarah and I don’t want to do that, ever.

She was my perfect baby.  She was a blessing.  She moved me.  She showed me that I really wanted to be a mom.

I miss her.

And now I am crying.

Later, I will tell you Sarah’s story.  My “blessings” are begging for food and starting to destroy things.

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “Angel Baby

  1. Lisa Muehlbauer

    Moving essay……being sad will not change anything…so rejoice in the memory and your blessing.

  2. Caryn

    Casey:

    You are not wrong for counting your blessings! Your daughter was a blessing to you in the short time she was here. I am a firm believer, however, that God has a mighty plan for those children who aren’t able to survive in this life. In fact, I’m sure of it. God knew that your daughter was too perfect to come to earth and live a life like everyone else, and has brought her home to be with Him again so she can do His work. You’ll see your daughter again some day, I promise you that.

  3. ((((HUGS)))) and prayers to you.

  4. Patty

    Casey,

    Every year at this time I, too, think of Sarah. I know it may sound odd to you, but my Blake turns 6 in June. I remember how hard everyone worked to keep the news of your heartbreak from me at that time. I cried for you then and when this time of year comes, my heart still aches for you. I am happy to know that you are beginning to be at peace….and it seems like a bit of understanding. Many people do not get that with any type of loss. I also am a person that believes that you will see your angel again.

    Hugs,
    Patty

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