Today would have been Sarah’s 6th birthday.
I don’t feel overwhelmed with sadness today like I did the last five birthdays. My grandma, who lost a baby in a similar way 50 years ago, told me every year would get easier. Grandma was right but now I feel guilty for my lack of tears.
But as I think about all the blessings in my life that have been showered on me in the last six years I do feel tears. My precious baby girl taught me so much about love, perspective, and compassion. If Sarah would have been born healthy, I am not sure we would have Bubba or Dude.
It has been SIX years since I held Sarah. Six years since she made her mark on my heart. Six years…
This birthday I am filled with questions.
How am I supposed to feel? I don’t know.
Is it wrong that I am rejoicing for my blessings and not crying for my loss? I don’t think so… I hope that I have a better perspective of all of the great things in my life.
Do I feel a void without my daughter, my first child? There is something there that aches for her but I don’t think I feel anything less. This is the first year that I don’t feel like I failed her because I carried a baby to term and didn’t know she wasn’t a healthy baby.
How will I feel if I ever get pregnant with a daughter? Actually, I am scared to have another daughter. I am afraid that I will be “replacing” Sarah and I don’t want to do that, ever.
She was my perfect baby. She was a blessing. She moved me. She showed me that I really wanted to be a mom.
I miss her.
And now I am crying.
Later, I will tell you Sarah’s story. My “blessings” are begging for food and starting to destroy things.