I am so frustrated today (and almost every other day right now).

Sunday night I drove back to St. Louis from Nevada, MO.  A nearly 5 hour drive that I made in the pouring rain with my boys in the backseat.  We got home around 11pm.  I got everything together to head to school the next morning.  I was ready to enact some of the things I learned in the Beth Moore simulcast I attended on Saturday (will post about that later this week) but when I went to get the boys out of bed Bubba had a fever (mild but still) and was coughing up his lungs.

For all practical purposes I am a single mom during the week.  No one else can stay home with the boys so I called in for a sub.  Under the absence selection I checked “family illness” because I wasn’t sick my kid was sick.  We go about our day with extra naps and cuddling.  Monday night, I get everything ready for school on Tuesday.

Like normal, we are out the door by 6:30 am.  By 7:15 the boys are at daycare/preschool and I am in my classroom getting ready for the day.  I am looking forward to a “cool math lab” (I know that phrase probably doesn’t make sense but I don’t care).  In my head I am singing “this is the day that the Lord has made.  i will rejoice and be glad in it!” and I am trying to stay positive.

By 8:15 i have had 2 students go off on me.  1. yelled at me to leave her alone when I tell her to get to class after the bell has rung.  2. went off on me because I told him to leave the stuff on my desk alone.

I tweet that I love my job if only to psyche myself up.  My second block arrives and, like usual, they do and say whatever they want to each other and me.  It is chaos and very little teaching and learning has taken place in all year with that group of kids (maybe I will post on that later).  I try to remind myself to offer grace, love, and forgiveness to those that need it most.  That is not working out for me right now, though.

At 9:30 I get a call from the boys school saying that Dude now has a fever is acting sick.  I need to come get him.  I call my principal to get a sub and by 10 am one shows up.  I go pick up the boys.  Napping and cuddling resume after a dose of Ibuprofen.

After lunch I check my school email (trying to make sure none of my lovely students got suspended after I left) and I have an email saying my sick time yesterday would be unpaid because I had already used all of my family illness days. 

I have 10 sick days left.  Nowhere am I able to check whether they are family illness days or personal illness days.  And honestly who cares if it is me or my kids, really.  I start every school year with 18 sick days.  Who is actually sick 10% of their contracted work days?  It really sucks that I can only use 5 of those days for my children. 

I am mad.  I am frustrated. I want to cry.

This has been a really tough school year. 
Personally, my life is in disarray.   Hubs is across the state.  I live with my parents.  My stuff is spread out in four different places.
Professionally, I feel like a failure.  Daily, I am abused by my students as well as their parents.  I don’t feel supported by my administration.  I work really hard to be at the front with my use of technology and teaching methods yet I have very little show for it.

Why didn’t I quit at the semester?  I had a perfect “out”  but I stayed because it was the right thing to do.  I signed a contract.  I am a teacher.  I am a rule follower.  I keep my commitments.

I feel like I made a mistake.  Today, I got punched in the gut.  It sucks.


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