Monthly Archives: June 2011

i almost died

Yesterday I started a new exercise class.  This is a big deal for me because, after all, I am allergic to exercise.  The class is taught by this cute and perky horrible and torturous woman.  She’s one of those people you want to hate.  In a different setting I am sure I would love her but by the end of the class I wanted to throw my weights at her.  I couldn’t, though, because didn’t have the strength.

So I get there 5 minutes early to stake out a spot near the wall and the door.  I must have a quick escape in case I barf or something (that is one of the allergic reactions I have had). As people filter in, I measure them up.  All of them are older than me – some only a bit older but others were like my grandma’s age.  I think to myself, “I hope they can hack it here.  I haven’t been CPR certified in a while.”

The class started EXACTLY on time- I have never taken a class that started right on time.  We started with a warm up.  I am thinking to myself “this is tough.  I hope that old lady over there doesn’t pass out.”

I start to sweat. There are giant mirrors on the walls and I can see that I am starting to turn red.  My breathing is okay so I pat myself on the back.  What a great workout I am getting.  We must be halfway through this.  I love when I have so much fun that time passes like nothing.

I check the clock.

Only 5 minutes have passed.  What??  That must be wrong.

At this point I start to sweat.

Profusely.  Its like MAN SWEAT.

I check on the old lady.  She is going to town.  She is not red.  She is not sweating.  She is SMILING!!  Are you kidding me?

We do some more pain inducing stuff.  I have already blocked it from my memory.  All I know is it hurt.  I almost passed out.  I was close to tears.  I am pretty sure the perky leader was feeling sorry for me.

We move to the track.

SHE MADE US DO 3 LAPS OF LUNGES!!!

THEN SHE MADE US DO A LAP OF JUMP SQUATS!!!

IN BETWEEN LAPS WE HAD TO DO 10 PULL-UPS!!  I HAVE NEVER DONE A PULL UP IN MY LIFE!!

The old lady (who announced that she was celebrating her 69th birthday this week) was cheering me on.  The instructor let me jog the 2nd half of each lap because she felt sorry for me (i was also holding everyone up, i think).

FYI 13 laps = 1 mile

But wait- it is not over yet.  We went back to the floor for intervals of sit-ups and push ups.  Not just any sit-ups and push-ups.  I can do those.
These were horrific.
Lay flat with arms over your head and legs sticking straight out.  Bring your knees to your chest as you bring your arms to your feet.  I was in major pain.

Oh, and the push ups had to be with your hands in a triangle.

There was more but I think I just quit.  My water ran out halfway through the class.  I was quickly becoming dehydrated.  All I could notice was my reflection in the mirror.  I was soaked.  I could have rung my shirt out and drank from it.  My shorts were even sweat soaked. Disgusting, I know.  At least you didn’t have to look at me.

I am pretty sure I saw a white light at the end of a tunnel during that 1 hour class.  Of course we used the entire hour, too.

Will I go back on Thursday? Probably.  Will I bring a gallon of water? Um, yes.  Will I have another allergic reaction?  Most definitely.

What is your worst workout experience?  Do you have any advice for me to survive this class for the summer?

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