In the last few weeks I have seven friends have babies. Six of those babies were girls. Tonight the Hubs showed me a picture of his boss’ baby girl with a super huge bow on her head.
It hit me hard. I cried while I did dishes. I am crazy.
We have to awesome, crazy, fun, exciting, wild little boys. I love them. I don’t want to imagine life without them.
But every once in a while I feel like I am missing out on something. Sometimes I feel gypped because our little girl left us too soon. There is a little void in my life. I don’t know if it is for Sarah or if it is for another baby girl.
I have never been a girly girl. I don’t like ruffles, lace, sequins, and/or sparkles. I don’t do hair and make-up very well. When we kept my nieces for a week I couldn’t even put their hair in a decent ponytail.
I have always been okay with having ruff and tumble boys. I thought that I have been okay with having only that. But lately I am feeling down.
This is crazy!! The Hubs and I are “done” having kids. We have 9 more months of paying for child care. We don’t ever have to buy diapers again. We get to sleep all night long (usually). The boys are beginning to become independent. The baby phase is over and we are okay with that.
Or so I thought.
Lately I am having mixed emotions. I don’t want to go through all the sucky things that come with having a newborn. I definitely don’t want to go through the terrible twos, the trying threes, and the really bad fours ever again.
But I think I do want all of it again. I am struggling with this.
My brain yells “ABSOLUTELY NOT! Remember the postpartum depression? It cost so much and you are so poor. It doesn’t work into your debt repayment snow ball. You are already exhausted and stretched thin with two boys!”
My heart keeps whispering “But babies snuggle so sweetly. They laugh and smile so sweetly. Remember when you wanted six kids? Maybe you will get another boy and can have even more fun. Or maybe you’ll get another girl and fill a void.
This is all so ridiculous. I don’t think it is physically possible to have another baby (thank you screwed up reproductive organs). The practical issues far out weigh the other thoughts. Plus the Hubs is getting kind of old (just kidding… he is a 13 year old at heart).
Am I crazy? Have you ever felt this way?