baby girl

In the last few weeks I have seven friends have babies.  Six of those babies were girls.  Tonight the Hubs showed me a picture of his boss’ baby girl with a super huge bow on her head.

It hit me hard.  I cried while I did dishes.  I am crazy.

We have to awesome, crazy, fun, exciting, wild little boys.  I love them.  I don’t want to imagine life without them.

But every once in a while I feel like I am missing out on something.  Sometimes I feel gypped because our little girl left us too soon.  There is a little void in my life.  I don’t know if it is for Sarah or if it is for another baby girl.

I have never been a girly girl.  I don’t like ruffles, lace, sequins, and/or sparkles.  I don’t do hair and make-up very well. When we kept my nieces for a week I couldn’t even put their hair in a decent ponytail.

I have always been okay with having ruff and tumble boys.  I thought that I have been okay with having only that.  But lately I am feeling down.

This is crazy!!  The Hubs and I are “done” having kids.  We have 9 more months of paying for child care.  We don’t ever have to buy diapers again.  We get to sleep all night long (usually).  The boys are beginning to become independent.  The baby phase is over and we are okay with that.

Or so I thought.

Lately I am having mixed emotions.  I don’t want to go through all the sucky things that come with having a newborn.  I definitely don’t want to go through the terrible twos, the trying threes, and the really bad fours ever again.

But I think I do want all of it again.  I am struggling with this.

My brain yells “ABSOLUTELY NOT! Remember the postpartum depression?  It cost so much and you are so poor.  It doesn’t work into your debt repayment snow ball. You are already exhausted and stretched thin with two boys!”

My heart keeps whispering “But babies snuggle so sweetly. They laugh and smile so sweetly.  Remember when you wanted six kids? Maybe you will get another boy and can have even more fun.  Or maybe you’ll get another girl and fill a void.

This is all so ridiculous.  I don’t think it is physically possible to have another baby (thank you screwed up reproductive organs).  The practical issues far out weigh the other thoughts.  Plus the Hubs is getting kind of old (just kidding… he is a 13 year old at heart).

Am I crazy?  Have you ever felt this way?

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “baby girl

  1. That’s a hard one for me to read. Everyone around me is having baby girls, too, and it sucks. Baby boys don’t seem to bother me, even though my loss is still so fresh. Growing up with a sister, I had no idea what to do with boys. I love my two boys more than anything, but man did I want my girl!! It’s just not fair that our girls were taken away before we could put the big bows on their head, whether we knew what to do with them or not (I’m not a girly girl either). Having another child will not replace Sarah, but you already know that. The only thing I know to tell you is to follow your heart and do what’s best for your family.

  2. Laura Sei

    I have repeatedly felt like that over the years. It has only really been the past few months that I have come to terms with not having any more kids. Especially not having a baby girl. I love my boys to death but it would have been nice to have just one girl.

  3. ChefKarenM

    Its a rough way to feel, for sure! You have a few options….

    1. Get preggers and love/hate it until you are once again done with diapers and sleeping all night.
    2. Say “No mas!” and enjoy your boys until someday you have grandbabies to snuggle.
    3. Foster or adopt a child who needs a home (children out of diapers are very difficult to place).

    Whatever you choose, your family and friends will support you. It’s hard to resist when baby fever hits you, yet it needs to be a decision you and your husband work out together. Your readers wish you only the best! 🙂

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