9 years

Today would have been Sarah’s 9th birthday.  I have spent a little bit of time this week thinking about what she would have been doing as a 9 year old…learning to write in cursive, how to multiply, how to play softball, and she probably would have started water skiing this summer.

I am a sad that I don’t get to experience those things with her but those feelings don’t overwhelm me anymore.  Today, for Sarah’s birthday, I want to encourage friends that have lost children.

About 6 weeks after Sarah died, my grandma took me to lunch to see how I was doing.  She shared her story of loss and was very encouraging to me.  She told me to cry when I wanted.  She told me to be happy without guilt.  She also told me that I might cry everyday and then one day I would realize I hadn’t cried. And then I would cry because I felt guilty.  She was right.

Grandma also told me that over time the tears would dry up and I would be okay. She was right again.

Grandma encouraged me to look for God in my life.  I decided to not lose sight of God in the loss of Sarah.  I have continually tried look for how Sarah has changed our lives for the better. She is the angel that watches over us.  She is waiting for us to be reunited in heaven.

After 9 years, the tears and the hurt have subsided.  I will always hold her close to my heart.  I still ache when I hold infant baby girls.  I mourn in a personal when friend loses a baby.

But I have survived.

And I promise, to my friends dealing with a loss, you will too.

One day, you will realize that you didn’t cry.  One day it won’t hurt so bad.  One day you will smile at the memories rather than ache with the loss.  One day it might make sense.

Until that day, it is okay to cry.  I love you and I will continue to pray for you.

Have you experienced the loss of a child?  Tell me your story.

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “9 years

  1. I needed to read this tonight. It has been a hard few weeks since Kyleigh’s first birthday. I have had a harder time since her birthday, then the day of. Your honesty is helpful. I wonder a lot what it will be like for me, for my family, in five or ten years. I know we will have happy times, we do now, but I wonder when that ache, that pain, will go away. I don’t think it ever does, as you said, you still ache when holding baby girls, but I do think it gets better. I know I am better now then I was six months ago and certainly one year ago. We do all we can to honor Kyleigh and keep her memory alive. Praying for you as you remember Sarah.

  2. Becki

    Found out I was pregnant at 3 weeks and had my first doctor appointment at 5. We saw the heartbeat but were not able to hear it. The next week, at 6 weeks and 3 days I started bleeding – September 11, 2004. We lost our baby, who we named Morgan Arinn. It’s so hard not knowing if our Morgan is a boy or a girl. The roller coaster of emotions is the hardest, especially since so many people did not accept our loss as “real.” I would have done anything to bring Morgan back.

  3. Tami

    I know your pain all too well and in a very raw way as it is still so fresh. First I will share that I have had two miscariages and one tubal pregnancy. Those losses cut deep and hurt in a very real way as well. More recently, March 9th, 2013 I lost my dear Hannah RoseMarie Lamb. She was eight. She would be nine on July 21st. We are still going to celebrate her birthday. I plan to visit her at the cemetary and take nine balloons to release up to heaven for my angel. I miss her so much still everyday! But I rejoice that she is with the Lord and is safe in his arms! So, I now realize that your Sarah and my Hannah would be close in age. Maybe they have met by now and are playmates.

  4. Caryn

    How fitting that I should read this today. Some friends of ours lost their little boy (who was about 2 years old) today to a rare auto-immune disease. He’s been through close to a year of poking, prodding, hospital visits, ER visits, and everything in between. They found out the news of his diagnosis just after they discovered they were pregnant with their second child, and she gave birth to their second child just a couple months ago. My heart aches for them and it has me pondering on the frailties of life while hugging my little ones a little tighter today.

  5. Pingback: sucker punch | the frayed momma

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