Monthly Archives: April 2014

a decade

10 years ago at this time i was lying in a hospital bed near Nashville, TN. I was surrounded by my friends and family and we were waiting.

My parents and sister drove in from St. Louis.  My sister was getting ready to run the Country Music Marathon the next weekend.

My brother rented a car and drove in from college.

My mother-in-law and sisters-in-law drove 7 hours from Springfield.

My teacher friends came straight from school.

We were laughing but it wasn’t real laughter.  I was in a fog and I was heavily medicated. 

We were waiting. Waiting for the nightmare to be over. Waiting for news that there had been a mistake. Waiting to hear that our baby was going to be born alive and healthy.

We never heard that.

We continued to wait while the medication worked to induce labor.  We waited through back labor.  We waited through a botched epidural.  We waited for more than 24 hours for Sarah to finally be born.   Born still on April 23, 2004.

I remember when she finally started coming how hard I was crying.  Not because I was in pain but because I experienced a deep sadness that I had never felt.  I remember announcing to everyone (I don’t know why but there were a ton of doctors and nurses) in the room that I was crying because I was “just really sad.”  I remember how much the grief hurt (emotionally and physically) in the weeks following.

It has been 10 years since Sarah left us. Life has continued and we have been blessed but today, suddenly I feel lost.  I know that I will never get over it, but I have gotten through it.  Yet some days I fall back into that sadness.  

When Bubba and Dude talk about wishing their older sister were still here so they could pester her. When I see my sister and sisters in law with their girls. When I think about my baby girl finishing up 4th grade. When the hubs and I decided we weren’t going to have anymore children. That whole in my heart opens up big and cold.  I hurt and feel sadness.  Sometimes briefly.  Sometimes it lasts a little longer.

But I somehow I make through.   

10 years ago I started making it through because I was surrounded by people that love me and were hurting for me.  They helped carry my burden.  My husband, my parents, my sister, my brother, my mother in law and my sisters in law, my team of teachers- each held a piece of my life together until I could walk on my own again. I cannot express enough gratitude for them.

Today I am hurting. I had a good cleansing cry in the bathroom after school.  But I am making it through because I have Bubba and Dude wrestling at my feet and performing armpit fart songs for me.

Say a prayer for me today, please.


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Confused Tooth Fairy

Dude hates losing teeth.  

The first one he lost freaked him out a bit.

The second one he lost got so wiggly that it fell out when he jumped into the pool last summer.  He had to write a note to the tooth fairy to see if she could find it in the pool.  She wrote back that she did find it but would not go looking for anymore teeth.

The third one got so wiggly that it almost fell out when he went to get his teeth cleaned at the dentist.  Good thing it didn’t actually fall out… we have crappy dental insurance and probably would have had to pay for an extraction or something.

The fourth one was hanging by a thread and sticking sideways.  it was so gross that the hubs and I conspired to pull it out while he was sleeping.  Good thing it didn’t come to that.  He knocked out while brushing.

Apparently, he lost another one last week.  Saturday morning, we woke up to him complaining that he had written to the tooth fairy but she still hadn’t shown up.


If you can’t read or make sense of this note, you are not alone.  Dude had Bubba write it some time last week.  It says:   

“Tooth Fairy:
I lost my tooth again. I think it is at the YMCA soccer field.  Do you mind if you look for it.  Your friend Isaac”

(By they way, we knew nothing about a lost tooth at the YMCA or that he even had a wiggly tooth for that matter)

Anyway, I guess things changed after they got into bed.  I guess the tooth turned up in his bed (he must have lost it the night before instead of at soccer practice) and they decided to edit the note rather than just get rid of it altogether.  That is in black ink written sideways.  “PSS I found it!”

But alas, it did not stay found for long because the note is updated again in green ink:  psss it is in my bed lost.

The hubs and I knew nothing about any of this and thus were unable to alert the toothfairy to pick up said tooth.  Saturday morning came around and Dude was not happy.  I am pretty sure Bubba is starting to figure things out about who the tooth fairy really is and this may have sent him over the edge of non-belief.  (he is on the fence about all of the guardians (santa, tooth fairy, easter bunny, etc) because he is super logical and none of it makes sense without a strong imagination but he is afraid to not believe in case it is all true).

Anyway, Dude brought me the note and explained everything to me.  The only thing I could come up with for why she hadn’t shown was that his note was super confusing and the tooth fairy didn’t know what he was talking about or where to look for the lost tooth.  I told him we should probably rewrite the note and he asked if I would send her a message on facebook (because that is how a kindergartner thinks you should get a hold of the tooth fairy).


I made Dude write the second note (no bribing older brother to do his dirty work).  If you can’t read the inventive spelling, it says: 
Dear Tooth Fairy,  I lost my tooth.  Its in my bed. Sorry for my note last night.  Please find my tooth.  Isaac  (and then he drew a picture of a tooth.)

These boys crack me up.

Are your kids afraid of losing teeth?  Have they ever had to write the tooth fairy a note?

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Cadbury Creme Eggs

It is that time of year…
Little bunnies hopping around laying eggs.  Such a bizarre tradition.  I have no idea where it started but the one thing I love about it is that the Easter Bunny always brings Cadbury Creme Eggs.
This seems to be the most divisive of all candies (black licorice and black jelly beans might be more bring more division but I am not sure). I have heard terrible things said about my beloved Cadbury Creme Egg. I don’t understand the haters.

Oh the milk chocolate egg. So soft and melty. 
Oh the creamy soft fondant center. I can’t even begin to describe the delicious taste.

The hubs admitted to me that he had never had one so I shared the goodness with him tonight. 
He took a little bite and responded “it’s alright,” as he handed it back.  That is his polite way of saying it was gross.
I hope our relationship can withstand this split on our culinary path.  At least I can say more for me although my pancreas might be able to keep up with my blood sugar spikes.

My dear Cadbury Bunny it is probably a good thing you only lay your eggs once per year.

On which side of the egg fence do you sit?

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online quizzes

Have you noticed all of the online quizzes going around lately.

I loved them and get sucked into them easily.  They all ask the same basic questions.

Earlier this year I learned many things about myself including but not limited to:

*I should lIve in Portland

*Robert Downey Junior is my secret crush

*I am Zach from Saved by the Bell

*I am The Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

*I am Audrey Hepburn (although, I think this is the only answer to this one- either that or all of my friends on facebook answered the same way).

*I am fully embracing adulthood because I checked more than 40 out of 50 items on a list

*I am Rose from Golden Girls

Tonight I got sucked into to taking more quizzes and I learned that I most identify with the musical character Oliver. Heres what had to say about me:  You are loud, confident and very bubbly. People sometimes mistake you as being cocky but you are just a very fun-loving person. You like a bit of drama in life and love finding out gossip from your friends and family. You are very stubborn and can hold a grudge but thats probably because you don’t like seeing your family or friends getting hurt. Keep smiling because that cheeky grin is what you do best.

I am pretty sure this isn’t accurate but who knows… maybe a 10 question quiz knows me better than myself.

I found out my nickname should be Dottie because “like freckles, polka dots, or sprinkles, you are totally cute!”  You may now address me as Dottie!

I took several other quizzes tonight but my favorite was “Would You Pass Maths Now” on  I am proud to report that I got a perfect score.  It is a good thing since I am a high school math teacher. They told me “Congratulations! You’d be top of the class. Keep being amazing.”

I need to listen to that last sentence.  Keep being amazing.  I might make that my mantra and start telling my students that, too.

So to you, my dear reader, keep being amazing!!!

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